Get Me Outta This Place!
by Jazzmaster
Summary: Jill Valentine must escape from Racoon City with the help of delinquents Jay and Silent Bob. Chapter 3 - Brad, Time Princess is up.
1. Default Chapter

Just when you thought Jill Valentine had made her last escape... another author puts her right back at the beginning of Nemesis and forces her to do it all again!  
  
Jill: Wait just a minute here. It said in my contract: Escape from Racoon City (times 1). It didn't say anything about having to do it again!  
  
Author: Don't worry about it. You'll have some people helping you this time.  
  
Jill: Chris? Barry?  
  
Author: No, I decided to add Jay and Silent Bob to the mix.  
  
Jill: NOOOOOOO!  
  
Jill is sitting in her flat and now tries desperately to get out before the fic begins. Unfortunately it's much too late as we've already begun. She runs outside (minus the explosion since I don't have the budget for it) and straight into a hoard of zombies.  
  
Jill: You have to be kidding me.  
  
She pulls out her gun and shoots them in their heads. They fall moaning to the ground. She hits one in the chest and he collapses with a yell.  
  
Guy: I wasn't a zombie!  
  
Jill: Whoops.  
  
Running to the end of the street she looks around, grimly optimistic that she can find a way directly out of town before the first chapter is over. Sadly there are zombies in every direction, and they all close in on her. The only way out is the door behind Jill.. which isn't there because she's on the wrong side of the street. It seems as though it's all over for Jill, but she manages to push her way through the zombies to the other side of the street.  
  
Jill: I'll use my well-known lock-picking abilities to open this door.  
  
Unfortunately (boy is this word going to be used a lot in this fic) Jill's lock-picking abilities have always been vastly overrated, and she completely fails to pick the lock. Barry Burton obviously had her confused with someone else way back in the mansion.  
  
A zombie now tries to bite Jill's neck (mistakenly thinking it was a vampire... well zombies aren't the brightest of the un-dead now are they?) but Jill elbows him in the mid-section. he falls back, but the zombies are closing in like a mindless bunch of Gwen Steffanie fans and Jill cannot hope to beat them all.  
  
After throwing away the lock-pick, Jill decided to go for the "Chris Redfield approach to problem solving" and began trying to ram the door open with merely her shoulder.  
  
Much to her own surprise the door gave way and Jill ran inside. She quickly slammed the door shut and moved a nearby cabinet in front of it in order to keep the zombies out.  
  
After turning around she felt like getting back out there. Well, getting back out there as long as there were no zombies. Actually what she really felt like was a quiet night at home with Chris, where she would seduce him and he would realise that they were meant to be together. He would resign from STARS, and Barry Burton would come by every now and then for dinner.  
  
UNFORTUNATELY what she had was herself trapped in a building while being trapped in a city with two zombies apparently trying to eat Dario. Jill ran over and pointed her gun at the fat zombies head. She was about to fire when the thin zombie looked up at her and shouted.  
  
Jay: What the fuck are you doing lady?  
  
Jill: You two aren't zombies?  
  
Silent Bob looked offended and shook his head.  
  
Jay: No we're not fucking zombies. Do we look like zombies to you?  
  
Jill: Yes.  
  
Jay: What? You're one seriously screwed up bitch.  
  
Jill: Why were you trying to eat that man?  
  
Silent Bob held up a wallet.  
  
Jay: We were just removing the poor bastard of his belongings. It's not as if he fuckin' needs 'em no more.  
  
Jill: Was he killed by a zombie?  
  
Jay: What's your fucking zombie obsession lady? The fat cunt probably had a fucking heart attack or some shit. Anyway, wanna make with the fucking?  
  
Jill: What?  
  
Jay: Well we're trapped in this building. I'm a guy, you're a girl. So I say we cut the talking and get down to it.  
  
Silent Bob hit Jay on his shoulder.  
  
Jay: Alright man, you can watch. As long as you're quiet.  
  
Jill: He can't watch!  
  
Jay: Alright, alright. Sorry Silent Bob. What can I say she's a real pushy bitch.  
  
Jill: HE CAN'T WATCH BECAUSE I'M NOT GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU!  
  
Jay: Well I suppose you can go down on me.  
  
Jill: NO! I'm not going anywhere near you! What the hell makes me think I'd do ANYTHING with you? I don't even know you!  
  
Jay: My names Jay, this is Silent Bob. We spend most of our time doin' or selling drugs and searching for pussy. So now we're better acquainted, let's get it on.  
  
Jill: You and I will never, ever get it on.  
  
Jay: So you lead me on with all that get to know each other shit and now you're fucking rejecting me?  
  
Jill: Shut up! I did not lead you on!  
  
Jay: Look the way I see it lady, we're all trapped in this fucking building. We can fuck to pass the time.  
  
Jill: We can't stay here - we have to get out of here.  
  
Dario: Are you MAD!? I'm staying here! It's not safe out there.  
  
Jay: Shut up you fucking dead man.  
  
Dario: Better a fucking dead man than a dead fuck.  
  
Silent Bob boots Dario.  
  
Dario: Ow! Look, I'm not dead. Is that my wallet in your hand!?  
  
Jay: The ladies mine bitch. She ain't gonna be touching any fucking corpse.  
  
Jill: Look, it won't be long before the zombies get in here! The town's all messed up.  
  
Jay: I'll say. Like, I went to this game store one time, and the fucking sticker on the games said 'Lowest Price Guarantee'. And I bought it. Then I find this other fucking game shop that has the game cheaper. So I goes back to the other store and say to the dick at the counter that I found it cheaper. You know what the prick does?  
  
Jill: No, and I DON'T CARE!  
  
Jay: He fucking lowers the price of the game to the same fucking price as it was in the other store. Even though it said 'Lowest Price Guarantee'. But it wasn't the lowest price was it? That is fucked up.  
  
Jill: I meant messed up because of the zombies!  
  
Jay turns to Silent Bob.  
  
Jay; See, there she goes with the fucking zombies again.  
  
Turns back to Jill.  
  
Jay: So that's why you won't fuck me - you got a thing for the fucking un- dead. You are one screwed up slut-bitch.  
  
A noise is heard at the back door. A zombie has somehow managed to get through, even though the door was locked. Jill swears as she sees her lock- pick in the zombies hand. Even a zombie was more of a 'master of unlocking' than she was.  
  
Jay: What the fuck?  
  
Jill shoots the zombie until it falls down. It tries to grab Silent Bob's ankle, but he stamps violently on it's head, causing it to explode.  
  
Jay: Are you gonna fuck the zombie now?  
  
Jill: NO!  
  
Jay: Are you gonna fuck me?  
  
Jill: NO!  
  
Jay: So who are you going to fuck?  
  
To be continued... 


	2. The Bar Stard

Just as Jill was about to fall to the ground and give up all hope, Chris Redfield bursts through the wall, riding a white horse which reared back as Chris tossed his cowboy hat up into the air. Ignoring Jay, Silent Bob and Dario, he sweeps Jill up in his arms.  
  
Chris: I love you, Jill.  
  
Jill: Take me now Chris!  
  
She yelled this before sticking her tongue down his throat.  
  
Suddenly coming to her senses, she realised Jay had stuck his tongue down her throat while she had been having her delusional fantasy. She booted him in the balls and shoved him away.  
  
Jill: You do that again and I swear I will shoot you, you sick bastard!  
  
Jay: You said to take you now!  
  
Jill: I said 'Take me now CHRIS  
  
"I thought that was some sort of mind game or some shit," explained Jay.  
  
At this point Leon walks in. Jill points her gun at him.  
  
Leon: Don't shoot - I'm a human! Wait a minute - Jill? Oh shit, I'm in the wrong part of town!  
  
Leon runs away.  
  
Jay: The fuck's up with that retard?  
  
Jill: Shut up, shut up, shut up. We have to escape Racoon City. We've been standing talking in this warehouse for ages. It should be safe outside now.  
  
Various zombie noises are heard coming from outside, followed by human screams, followed by gun shots, followed by more screams, zombie noises and "mmm delicious human."  
  
Jill: I mean safer.  
  
Harry Mason walks through the back door, where Leon just left. He looks around the room for a moment.  
  
Harry: Uh... has anyone seen my daughter?  
  
Jay: I dunno mother-fucker, what's it worth to know?  
  
Jill: Ignore him. He hasn't seen anything. Why don't you try Silent Hill?  
  
Harry: Right. I'll do that.  
  
Pause.  
  
Harry: Thanks.  
  
Pause.  
  
Harry: What's.  
  
Pause.  
  
Harry: Your.  
  
Pause.  
  
Harry: Name?  
  
Jill (for it is still her): I'm Jill.  
  
Harry: Thanks.  
  
Pause.  
  
Harry: Jill.  
  
Harry turns and leaves. Seconds later we hear the sound of tearing clothes and flesh being ripped off of skin, and a sound that was something like "Have any of you guys seen my daughter?" followed by: "Arrrgh." Pause. "Help." Pause. "Me." Pause. "Arrrgh"  
Realising now that the second chapter is well underway and they still haven't even left the warehouse, Jill tries to get things moving on.  
  
Jill: Everyone, follow me through that door. I'll take care of any zombies out there.  
  
Dario: YOU'RE CRAZY! WE'LL NEVER MAKE IT! I'd rather starve to death in here than get eaten by one of those... those... things!  
  
Jay turned to Silent Bob with a confused look on his face.  
  
Jay: Is he talking about us Silent Bob?  
  
Silent Bob shrugged and pulled out a cigarette. Jay turned to Dario now.  
  
Jay: Hey, we're not going to eat you man. That'd be some fucked-up shit. 'Sides, I don't have the kind of appetite big enough to eat a tubby bitch like you. Maybe Silent Bob does though.  
  
Dario screams and runs into a container. He locks the door behind him, then screams again, unlocks the door as fast as he can and runs back out.  
  
Jay: Oh yeah, I forgot. Silent Bob made a bit of a mess in there.  
  
Silent Bob kicked Jay's leg.  
  
Jay: Alright, we both did.  
  
Dario: WE CAN'T STAY HERE! I'D RATHER GET EATEN ALIVE THAN SPEND ANYMORE TIME WITH THOSE TWO!  
  
He tried to grab his wallet from Silent Bob, but Bob was too fast and yanked it away at the last second.  
  
dario: AAAAAH!  
  
Dario ran outside. A sound rather like the sound you would hear if zombies were eating Dario is heard soon after.  
  
Jill: Alright, I think it's safe outside.  
  
Jay: Safe from what?  
  
Jill waved her arms about frantically.  
  
Jill: What? Haven't you been paying attention?  
  
Jay: Paying attention to what?  
  
***  
  
So, after explaining everything to Jay once again, the trio prepared to finally leave the warehouse.  
  
Jill: Let's go, Jay, Bob.  
  
Jay: SILENT Bob. And where the fuck are we going you crazy bitch?  
  
***  
  
And so, after explaining everything again, the trio actually left the warehouse. The zombies had gotten bored by now, and had decided to chase after the mad, sad, lonely old lady who worked at the nearest newsagents.  
  
The three of them found themselves outside in Racoon City. Fires were ablaze all over, corpses and blood lined the streets. Before Jill could really take the scene in though, a nearby door burst open and Brad Vickers ran out followed by a bunch of crazy female Brad-worshippers.  
  
Brad: ARRRRRRRRH!  
  
He screamed as he ran past the threesome.  
  
Jay: Yeah, I agree man. The beach just ain't what it fucking used to be. I mean, look at all these buildings and streets and shit. They weren't here before.  
  
Jill sank to her knees and began sobbing.  
  
Jill: Chris is coming, Chris is coming, Chris is coming, Chris will save me, Chris will save me, Chris WILL save me!  
  
Jay, misreading the situation, began fumbling with his belt. Jill noticed in time, and quickly stood up.  
  
Jill: We have to go after Brad.  
  
She ran off down the street. Jay looked quizzically at Silent Bob, who merely shrugged before walking after her.  
  
The found themselves in the Bar Stard, popular hang-out among Raccon's City's residents. Brad had managed to escape his crazy fans and was sitting on a bar stool with his head in his hands. Jay, Silent Bob and Jill all took a stool each.  
  
Jay: What the fuck do you have to do to get service in this place?  
  
He elbowed Silent Bob's ribs.  
  
Jay: Hey, Silent Bob, remember the one about the Holy Bartender?  
  
The corners of Silent Bob's mouth rose just a little. Jay began to laugh uncontrollably.  
  
Jay: Holy bartender!  
  
Jill, having no clue whatsoever as to what Jay was blabbering on about, turned to Brad.  
  
Brad: We're all gonna die Jill!  
  
Jill: Did you only just realise that? You see Brad, there's such a thing as the circle of life. When someone is born, someone has to die to make way for the new life. I'd advise listening to that Elton John song in the Lion King for further information. Now 'dying' is like going to sleep, only..."  
  
Brad: I MEANT we're all going to be killed by the Nemesis!  
  
Jill: Hmmm... let me just look that up in my 'Big Girls Bumper Book of Big Undead Killing Things'. Let's see... Zombie, Licker, Hunter, Barry Burton's cologne, where is it...  
  
Nemesis: CLIT! STARS!  
  
The Nemesis ran into the Bar, reared it's head back and let out an angry scream. Jill finds the Nemesis in the book and looks at the picture.  
  
Jill: It has a much cuter smile in the photo  
  
Jay: Holy shit - what the fuck is that thing?  
  
Nemesis: STARS!  
  
The Nemesis closed in.  
  
To be continued in chapter 3 - The All Singing, All Dancing Crap of Racoon City! 


	3. Brad, Time Princess

Brad: He's gonna kill us all!  
  
Jill: Don't worry - Barry will save us at the last minute, just like that time he saved me from the roof squashing me to paste.  
  
Jill stands around acting like nothing is happening as The Nemesis walks forward. The Nemesis proceeds to grab Brad and suck his brains out.  
  
Jill: Er... well I'm sure Barry will arrive in time to save the rest of us.  
3000 miles away on a beach somewhere...  
  
Boy: What is it daddy?  
  
Father: It's a beached whale son. A beached whale with a beard, and bloodshot eyes, and he's just been very, very sick all over the sand.  
  
Boy: what's that in his hand daddy?  
  
Father: It's a whiskey bottle son.  
  
Boy: I didn't know whales drank whiskey. Or had hands. Or beards.  
  
Father: Common misconception son.  
  
Barry Burton: What is this?  
  
In a dark room containing lots of apparently random statues and items...  
  
Brad: Am I dead?  
  
Homunculus: That depends on how you define death.  
  
Brad: As not being alive?  
  
Homunculus: Well how do you define being alive?  
  
Brad: As not being dead?  
  
Homunculus: Regardless, I can give you a second chance at life.  
  
Brad: But am I dead?  
  
Homunculus: For the purpose of this exercise, let's say yes. But I can offer you a chance to regain your life.  
  
Brad: wait a minute - you're the big 'S' - Santa!  
  
Homunculus: Please be quiet. Yes, you were killed. But I can send you back in time to before you were killed, and from there if you can remove the root of your death, you won't die.  
  
Brad: Oh, thank God. I want to live, I so want to live!  
  
Homunculus hands Brad the digipad ( a time-travelling device since if you haven't played Shadow of Destiny you won't have a clue what's going on) and sends him back in time.  
  
He arrives at the Bar Stard just before Nemesis arrives.  
  
Brad: Okay, Jill, listen carefully. In about five seconds the Nemesis is going to...  
  
Jill: The what?  
  
Brad: Don't interrupt, there's no ti-  
  
Jill: The Nemesis? Hmmm... let me just look that up in my 'Big Girls Bumper Book of Big Undead Killing Things'. Let's see... Zombie, Licker, Hunter, Barry Burton's cologne, where is it...  
  
Nemesis: CLIT! STARS!  
  
The Nemesis ran into the Bar, reared it's head back and let out an angry scream. Jill finds the Nemesis in the book and looks at the picture.  
  
Jill: It has a much cuter smile in the photo  
  
Jay: Holy shit - what the fuck is that thing?  
  
Nemesis: STARS!  
  
The Nemesis closed in.  
  
Brad: He's gonna kill us all! Jill DON'T rely on Barry to save us!  
  
Jill: Oh but you can always rely on Barry...  
3000 miles away on a beach somewhere...  
  
Girl: A big fat piece of shit just washed up on the shore.  
  
Barry: Help me someone.  
  
Back in the bar...  
  
Brad: No! He's... shaving! Yes, too busy shaving to save us.  
  
Jill: Hmmm... In that case the most logical course of action is to wait for Chris to come and save us.  
  
Brad: Oh shit.  
  
Jill stands around acting like nothing is happening as The Nemesis walks forward. The Nemesis proceeds to grab Brad and suck his brains out.  
  
In a dark room containing lots of apparently random statues and items...  
  
Brad: Am I dead?  
  
Homunculus: It is difficult isn't it, to change one's very destiny.  
  
Brad: But am I dead?  
  
Homunculus: Not to worry. You can try over and over until you get it right.  
  
Brad: Oh thank you so much. I don't want to die, I soooo want to live, I-  
  
Homunculus: Wait a minute - you're not Eike! Give me my digipad back NOW!  
  
Back in the bar again...  
  
Jill: Well I'm sure Chris will show up in time to save the rest of us.  
  
Jay: Let's kick this guys ass Silent Bob. He can't fucking scare us with his big fucking brain sucking powers and shit.  
  
The Nemesis moves in on Jay and Silent Bob, but Silent Bob grabs Jill's magnum which she just happens to have left lying around (kids, never follow Auntie Jill's example and leave your magnum's lying carelessly around) and lets loose with some shots to the Nemesis' head. After a few shots it goes down, the entire bulk of it landing on Jay's toe.  
  
Jay: SHIIIIIIIT MY FUCKING TOE!  
  
Jill: Oh Chris, you saved us.  
  
Jill begins kissing Silent Bob.  
  
Jill: Chris? Why have you grown a beard like Barry's?  
  
Jill comes back to reality and sees Silent Bob. She begins spitting over the bar.  
  
Jay: GET OFFA MY TOE!  
  
Silent Bob helps Jay free.  
  
Jill looks down at the Nemesis.  
  
Jill: Well, that's the last we'll be seeing of The Nemesis. Yup, no more Mr Nemesis. Bye bye big guy. Adios. Ciao. See you later alligator.  
  
Nemesis: See you later Jill.  
  
To be continued in Chapter 4 - The Amazing Dancing Chicken Nuggets of Racoon City 


End file.
